Why Don’t I Want Intimacy Anymore? Low Desire in Marriage
If you have quietly wondered “what is wrong with me, why don’t I want this anymore,” please hear this first: you are not alone, and you are not broken.
Low desire is one of the most common marriage problems
A sexual desire discrepancy, where one spouse wants intimacy more than the other, is described by therapists and by the European Society for Sexual Medicine as a common problem for couples in long-term relationships. Most women never hear that, because nobody talks about it. In my world, nobody does.
Common reasons a wife loses interest
You are exhausted. Pregnancy, nursing, sleepless nights, Shabbos and Yom Tov preparation, a full house. Desire needs energy, and mothers run on empty.
You carry the whole house. Research discussed by relationship writers finds that women tend to do more of the household work and feel it is unfair more often than men, and that this unfairness is linked to lower desire. If you feel like his second mother and then he wants a wife, that is a real problem and it has a real name.
You never learned what you like. Many women in religious communities enter marriage knowing the rules and nothing else. If intimacy has never felt good, why would you want more of it?
Pain or discomfort. If it hurts, your body is telling you something. See my post on painful intimacy.
Stress, worry, anger or sadness. Unspoken resentment is a powerful off switch.
Body and hormones. Postpartum changes, medication, and health conditions all matter.
What helps
- Name it without blame. “I miss wanting you” is a very different sentence than “leave me alone.”
- Start with connection, not with the act. Real conversation, a laugh, ten minutes alone. Desire often follows closeness, not the other way around.
- Ask for help with the load. A marriage with fairer work often has more room for desire.
- Learn what feels good. You are allowed to know your own body and tell your husband what you like. A husband who wants his wife to enjoy herself is a husband who is doing the mitzvah well.
- Talk to a doctor if the change is sudden, painful, or lasts. Then consider a counselor who understands religious couples.
One book that teaches what nobody taught you
The Newlywed Guide to Physical Intimacy by Jennie Rosenfeld and David Ribner is exactly what the name says.
Do not let the word newlywed stop you. Most of us are still missing the basics years in.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/9652295353 (paid link)
What I learned
For years I pretended. I thought wanting was something that happened to other women. I tell the real story in The Secret To Real Intimacy, and I wrote it for the woman who thinks she is the only one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GYJTRYPV
For the questions underneath the questions, The Hole In The Sheet is for you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H3YKSZ7Z
If you want to know what my life looks like from the inside, living in two worlds day to day, I wrote The Tightrope for you: https://www.sarahmushka.net/tightrope/
Want the seven things a wife in my community is never supposed to share? Get my free 7 Secrets at https://sarahmushka.net/free-secrets/ – it is 100% free and delivered privately.
Sarah
P.S. No post tomorrow. I do not write on Shabbos. On Sunday: when intimacy hurts, why it happens, and what to do.