Painful Intimacy After Marriage: Why It Hurts and What to Do

If intimacy hurts, you are not imagining it, you are not a bad wife, and you do not have to just put up with it.

How common is it?

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says pain during intercourse is very common: nearly 3 out of 4 women have it at some point in their lives. For some it passes. For others it lasts, and it needs care.

Why it hurts

Doctors list a number of causes, and many of them are treatable:

Vaginismus, a reflex tightening of the muscles at the vaginal opening, which can make intimacy painful or very hard. Fear and anxiety can trigger it, and it can be treated with therapy.
Vulvodynia, a pain disorder of the vulva.
Infections or inflammation, such as vaginitis.
Dryness, including after childbirth or nursing.
Medical conditions such as cysts or endometriosis.
Lack of arousal. If the body is not ready, it hurts. This is not a flaw. It is biology.

Many religious brides arrive at the wedding knowing very little, and a frightened body tightens up. Knowing that makes it easier to forgive yourself.

What you can try today

Tell your husband where and when it hurts. ACOG advises talking to your partner about what hurts and what feels good.
Slow down. Take your time. Do not push through pain.
Use a lubricant. Water-based ones are a good choice if you are sensitive.
Empty your bladder, and consider a warm bath beforehand.
Focus on closeness that does not hurt while you get help.

Please see a doctor

If it is frequent or severe, see an ob-gyn or another healthcare professional. ACOG says it is important to rule out medical causes. Treatment can include medical care, vaginal relaxation exercises, and pelvic floor therapy. A good doctor will not shame you. If the first one does, find another.

A therapist who speaks our language

If you decide to get help, it helps to talk to someone who understands both the therapy world and the Torah world. Talli Rosenbaum is a certified sex therapist and couples therapist who has worked with religious couples for decades. She co-hosts a podcast called Intimate Judaism with Rabbi Scott Kahn, where they talk openly about intimacy and halacha, and it stays inside the bounds of Torah.

A good place to start is the episode “Sex Within Marriage: What’s Allowed and What’s Not?” It walks through the actual sources, the Gemara in Nedarim and Yevamot, the Rambam, the Aruch HaShulchan, on what is really allowed between husband and wife. Many of us were never taught any of this. Hearing it laid out by a frum therapist and a rabbi can take away a lot of fear. You can find it here: https://www.intimatejudaism.com/sex-within-marriage-whats-allowed-and-whats-not-episode-8/

She also wrote a book together with David Ribner, I Am for My Beloved: A Guide to Enhanced Intimacy for Married Couples. It is frank but respectful, and it is written to help couples build passion and intimacy inside the framework of Jewish tradition. It is worth reading if you want to go deeper: https://www.amazon.com/dp/9655243443 (paid link)

He also wrote The Newlywed Guide to Physical Intimacy with Jennie Rosenfeld, for kallahs and young couples starting out.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/9652295353 (paid link)

Pain is not part of the deal

I want to say this clearly to every young bride in my world: pain is not something you owe anyone. A husband who loves you wants to know when something hurts. And my community’s own sources speak of a husband who must care for his wife’s needs. Asking for gentleness is not rebellion.

In The Secret To Real Intimacy I wrote about my own wedding night, the fear I hid, and what I wish someone had told me: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GYJTRYPV

And in The Hole In The Sheet I answer the rumors outsiders believe and the questions they are afraid to ask: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H3YKSZ7Z

Want the seven things a wife in my community is never supposed to share? Get my free 7 Secrets at https://sarahmushka.net/free-secrets/ – it is 100% free and delivered privately.

Sarah

P.S. Tomorrow: mikveh night, what to expect, and how it really feels.

This post is general information, not medical advice. Please speak to a doctor about your own situation.