How to Talk to Your Husband About Intimacy (Without Hurting Him)

“I can tell my husband what is wrong with the soup. What I want in bed takes longer.” That is the truth for many of us. We learn to speak about everything except the one thing that matters most.

Here is how to start.

Why it feels impossible

In communities like mine, nobody is taught the words. Intimacy is private, which is right, but private turned into silent. So when a wife finally wants to say something, she does not know where to begin, and he does not know how to listen.

Choose the moment

Not in bed, not in the middle of an argument, and not when one of you is exhausted. Pick a calm time. A walk, a quiet Motzei Shabbos, a coffee after the children are asleep. Tell him ahead of time you want to talk about something that matters to you.

Start with love, not with a list

“I love our marriage and I want it to feel even closer” opens a door. “You never” slams it. Men, like women, hear criticism first and everything else second.

Say what you want, in small and clear sentences

“I love when you hold me before anything else.”
“I need more time to feel ready.”
“Can we go slower?”
“I would like to try talking about this once a week.”

Specific, kind requests are easy to hear.

Ask him, too

“What do you wish was different? What makes it hard?” Then listen without defending yourself. Honest, respectful talk about what each of you wants is where trust starts, and trust is where closeness grows.

A book worth reading together

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is based on decades of research with real couples.

Much of it is about exactly this, how to talk without hurting each other.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718 (paid link)

If it goes badly

Do not give up after one try. Say, “That did not come out right. Can we try again tomorrow?” If you are stuck, a counselor who understands religious couples can help the two of you talk.

A reminder

The Torah says a husband may not diminish his wife’s onah (Shemos 21:10). Your needs are part of the marriage. You are not asking for something shameful. You are asking to be known.

I wrote about the years of silence in my own marriage, and what finally changed, in The Secret To Real Intimacy: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GYJTRYPV

For the questions you are afraid to ask anyone, read The Hole In The Sheet: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H3YKSZ7Z

And if you want to know how a Satmar couple lives with distance and closeness every month, No Sign On The Door will show you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HBRSXJ71

Want the seven things a wife in my community is never supposed to share? Get my free 7 Secrets at https://sarahmushka.net/free-secrets/ – it is 100% free and delivered privately.

Sarah

P.S. I am not done writing. More is coming.